Taming the Annoying Coworker

You're sitting at your desk, either on a call with a client, mining data, chugging through an email or in the midst of (at least to you) an important conversation. Then they strike. The omniscient coworker with an answer for everything. Let's call them the Annoying One. If you're in this group, then skip this post!

Whether they are ranting about politics (and they are never on the fence, never moderate, Bush was horrible, Obama isn't doing enough, or they're on the platform for a party that was formed just last week); some semi-relevant tech geek's podcast from the day before; being stuck behind the stop-go garbage truck on the way to work, or leaving home sick on a weekly basis, you can always count on the Annoying One to guide you seamlessly through another 9 to 5. Their words are never status quo, but nine times out of ten they'll never be doing anything else than what they are doing now.

The first to take the credit, and last to volunteer, you can basically hear their self-promoting harmonies through the office walls word-for-word, explaining their worth and mettle to the boss. However, when new projects are in order, they deflect more responsibility than Persian arrows on a Spartan's shield. Here are 11 enlightening ways to beat the drama queens on the work stage:

1. Running to management to quell these situations rarely help; for management a) usually doesn't care, as an Annoying one usually is suck-uppish and quid pro quo (give or take) with the boss, b) views you as much a nuisance as the Annoying One (for interrupting their visit to The Drudge Report website for five valuable minutes), and c) are pining for that year-end bonus or promotion...by remaining quid pro quo with their boss. Only if an Annoying One's behavior is visibly apparent to your boss should you plea for the Annoying One's silence, and even then change is slim to none, with none winning in a total knockout.

2. Send them fake love letters through interoffice mail, from different people throughout your building. Build up the anticipation with each letter, and space them out as to not draw attention. Hilarious to watch, especially if it is someone The Annoying One actually likes, yet doesn't know.

3. Act exactly like them for a day. Heck, if you're mentally able, extend this up to a week. If it's one thing they hate, its competition. One-up their claims, interject your differing opinions, and they're more silent than a kid getting a pair of socks at Christmas.

4. In meetings, ask them point-blank for their thoughts, on every discussion. Conference calls are fair game, too. Leave no stone unturned in exposing their weakness(es). Throws them off course every time and chances are, they'll stammer through every word. Your thoughts?

5. Sign them up for spam e-mails. Though this might backfire as they spend the day ranting about receiving a flood in the inbox is potentially more obnoxious than them actually talking. Make sure the emails are safe for work so they will pass through the company servers. Crappy bands' newsletters (you decide that one, by now you know their musical interests) or gardening websites should do the trick.

6. Generally mornings and when they return from lunch are when an Annoying One generally displays their forte' for reading headlines or daily Wikipedia entries. Beat them to it. Hide the coffee and pester them with superfluous news about the discovery of a new solar system or some new conspiracy theory about DB Cooper's whereabouts. See what I mean?

7. FYI, incorporate as much corporate jargon into your lexicon when communicating. This might temporarily place a bottle neck into any teamwork dynamic between you and the Annoying One, though your personal ROI will improve exponentially for current FY by COB...Sorry, just had to.
8. Buy a pair of headphones and wear them when you enter the Annoying One's environment. When they try to get your attention, start making guitar solo sounds and they'll soon be looking in every direction to pester someone else.

9. Ignore them. Playing it this close to the vest in this case is also a valiant option; they have satellites for ears and generally pick up or comment on every word within earshot. That or they will wriggle in their seat with joy upon discovering that Google Maps has finally discovered their house (for you small-towners). Silence and an iPod are my two best friends at work, though even they are impenetrable at times.

10. Get out of town. Take a vacation. Go on Sabbatical. Sometimes an extended weekend works, other times it takes up to two weeks to flush the Annoying One out of your system. Forget them and don't think or complain about them at all while you're gone. The sole purpose of a vacation is enjoyment, so make like Nike and Just Do It.

(11.) Oh, and in the increasing case when the Annoying One is your Annoying Boss, well, either suffer through the agony for work experience (no one loves a job-jumper, so wipe those tears away) or start searching for another company. And I wish you all the best with attempting that nowadays...